Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
