she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
