i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
