im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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