I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You have to summon your inner elephant
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Randomize
