I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
where are you?
Hypothermia
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
