The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i was born a porn star she said
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Are we still banned from the library?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
