No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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