My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
