Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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