is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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