I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
