You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
