3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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