News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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