I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
