Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I lost the right to judge tonight
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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