Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
