You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
