When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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