Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
