why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
