from now on my penis is your penis
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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