Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
