I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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