We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
