the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
