Umm I'm too high to move.
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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