Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
