Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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