First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
