Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
