We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
