I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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