today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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