gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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