Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
