i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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