using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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