bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
