i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
