I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
