I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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