Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You made out with two different species that night
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
