Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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