What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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