I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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