You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
