Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
