Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm both gender and math confused
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
